Viewing entries tagged
Kim Kardashian

PSYCHIC WISDOM

PSYCHIC WISDOM

Sure, I write Real Housewives recaps.  I sit in front of my television set two nights a week with my laptop propped open and resting on my leg and I take copious notes.  I type out in a rhythmic pitter-patter what these women say and what they wear and the ways in which they deflect their odious behavior and my hands actually cramp by the end of the evening, so busy are my fingers as they hit the keys to form words I never could have imagined I’d ever transcribe.  By the way, try explaining to a man you’re dating that you can’t hang out on a Monday or Tuesday night in the middle of summer when you’re not working because you have to watch Bravo and then compose ten pages about what Vicki said to Meghan and see how he reacts.  Before you do it, I’m going to recommend that you only say such a sentence while wearing lingerie because I find that you’ll be forgiven far more quickly.

But just because I watch this franchise faithfully does not mean that I engage with any other aspect besides the show itself.  I do not follow any of these women on Twitter and I have never bought a single item that any one of them endorses. I also did not tune in to watch something recently aired that I think was called The Housewife Awards and I certainly didn’t participate in the voting process.  Since I didn’t watch, I have no idea what the categories were or who won or if any Housewife made a pilgrimage to some podium to accept an award, which I’d bet several of them would happily do as there might have been a red carpet there and maybe the trophy looked shiny and perhaps some of the women believed that they could melt the thing down and turn it into a pair of matching golden bangles like Wonder Woman used to wear.

What I have decided to do, however, is hand out a few of my own awards to the Housewives past and present and I will even fashion a tiara out of generic aluminum foil to give to any who have been craving a pop of silver.  And the winners are… 

TWENTY QUESTIONS

TWENTY QUESTIONS

I’ve always been the type to ask a lot of questions.  I can’t remember that time period or anything, but I’d bet that I was the kind of toddler I really hate, the one who always followed an answer with yet another, “Why?”  In fact, I can only assume that one of the reasons I became such a fan of Sesame Street is because – to save the last fraying shred of their collective sanities – my parents shoved me in front of the TV to try to carve out just a moment of peace until my next question popped into my head and then immediately out of my mouth.

You know how every teacher you ever had growing up told the class, “There are no stupid questions”?  Well, as a teacher, I can tell you that all of those teachers were lying.  There are, of course, questions that are totally moronic and they are often asked by morons and, just as the question sails through the air and hits my ears, I can feel a surge of patience kick in like adrenaline usually does.  

SELLING YOURSELF AS A KOMMODITY

SELLING YOURSELF AS A KOMMODITY

I am krazily koncerned about the Kardashians.  I’m a kompassionate kind of girl, so really, how kould I not worry about this komplex family unit?  

And, by the way, I’m koncidering starting a movement to eliminate the letter “K” from the English language entirely, which means that I will need a new last name.  I’m thinking I should probably steer clear from the surname “Duggar” though, what with their heavy associations with religion and chastity and recently revealed charges of child molestation.  

Ironic how some things turn out, no?

DEAR DIARY...

DEAR DIARY...

Dear Diary,

There is so much about this world I fear I will never be able to fully understand.  And I believe that my rampant inability to sleep soundly through the darkness of night is potentially rooted in the unstoppable whirl of everything that I just don’t know for sure that goes spinning through my head on repeat like a bad song by ABBA.

It is good to question things, Diary – at least that’s what I’ve always been told.  Because if I question, I will continue to learn. I will continue to grow and I will be far more knowledgeable than the person who simply accepts things at face value – or at least I will be tied with anybody who has the Wikipedia app on his or her phone.

THE DEKLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION

THE DEKLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION

I stood in front of my class yesterday in a flippy skirt and opaque black tights – it’s November now after all – and told my eighteen year old seniors that we were leaving the 1940s behind and sauntering our way into the next decade.

On the board behind me, written in a pretty purple-colored chalk, was the word zeitgeist.
                                                             
“Say it with me so you know how to pronounce it,” I told my students who are old enough to vote, even though most of them don’t.  “Zeitgeist.”

“Zeitgeist,” they said back in unison, and for a brief moment I thought I knew what teaching kindergarten must be like.